Just Pass Me By

The last couple of weeks have been hard to deal with to say the least. Today we went up to mom and dad’s, my husband’s parents. They are wonderful people. A few weeks ago mom was diagnosed with cancer. I have grown very close to his parents, and I am fairly protective. I am angry and frustrated, I could simply at times cry buckets of tears. I have been a wreck of some kind. Both my husband and I are very sensitive right now, so we do not always get along or communicated clearly. We will say something to the other maybe just meaning to encourage the other but never falls one of us right and feels attacked or just doesn’t get it in the same light.
While trying to process this, I had a friend from my congregation share she had cancer. I started becoming angry because I just felt like all my friends are getting very sick and there simply is nothing I can do to help them. I can pray and put them in G-d’s hands and yes with her and my husband’s mom it’s a comfort to know they know the L-rd and have a relationship. This weekend I found out they got all the cancer and no treatment is needed on my friend. Well at least one of my prayers was heard. I know this isn’t my religious page, but I kind of need to just vent about it. I was relieved to hear about my friend being clean and not needing any treatment but then I look at my husband’s mom and wonder why can’t she be free of Cancer. Why is it that some times cancer is allowed to just eat the entire body and nothing can be done for that person other then prayer, which may or may not be answered in the manor we want it to be.
When I was 16, I had went to live with my dad and a few weeks after my 17th birthday my dad had died from mesothelioma. In many ways with my husband’s mom, I am dealing with a lot of unresolved feelings from then. I wasn’t really allowed to show my feelings, and never really cried about my dad. Don’t get me wrong I loved him, and didn’t want him to suffer. When he passed I didn’t have all the understanding I know now. Mom has been in pain normally she never shares it but tonight she was sharing the kinds of pain she was having.
She was talking about going to the bathroom, and hurting when she went. She said that she thinks her cancer has moved into the colon, and that she don’t want to eat because it hurts.
I am so angry that this cancer can take her happiness or ability to eat good foods away from her. Right now I simply feel so angry at this thing in her body, I wish I could fight it and throw it out of her. My husband mom is a wonderful lady, she always been compassionate to me. I had twisted my ankle this week a couple days after we found out her cancer was not treatable. I twisted it bad enough that right now it looks like I have a golf ball in my ankle. She was concern because I showed her it, it was swallow and she told me to put some ice on it. After a little while she told me I should go and have it checked I told them I would do it by Tuesday if I am not better. Tonight I called to let them now we got home okay, and were safe. Dad asked me if I got my foot checked I told him not yet.
I told him tomorrow if it’s bad after work I would go to the Urgent care here and take care of it. Dad said if it was me, you’d make me go no questions about it. I told him Yeah but I am young and spry, I will heal quicker.
Why is it that someone who loves and is so compassionate and concerned about everyone else always the one who gets to die from a horrible things. Why can’t she just be able to die peacefully in her sleep and not have to suffer and be ate away. It’s amazing that she in so much pain but was concerned about my pain which I am positive isn’t even half as bad as what she is experiencing.