Saying Goodbye

We just got a phone call from the Nursing home my husband mom was at. I am sad and grieved, but  I know here suffering has ended. She had a short battle with cancer, and this morning she passed away peacefully at around 1am. Even though we expect this would happen it is still hurts, she has been like a second mom to me, she was a true example of faith. She will be missed by all.

Shortly I will try to post some more about mom and some of my specail memories on either this blog or my faith based blog at Finally Messianic.

We’re not Superman

Okay, let me say this I am not a fan of Hospice this weekend has been a nightmare and frankly they need to learn what a good bed side manner is! I am very angry right now. Today I had to do everything in my power not to get angry and then show it towards the Hospice people. I had to leave the room to calm dad down.
They had asked for a family meeting at noon today, we did it, we encouraged dad to come because he needs to be involved in the process. They had asked if there are any concerns and dad said he had one. He had a problem with no one telling him that they had taken mom to the hospital. No one bother giving him any information, no note lift or nothing. He had brought up that when they came in they had criticized how the house looked, and the dog sometimes going potty on the floor. Okay it’s not good, but how hard is it to bend over and pick up the dog poop. But to make commits like their house is a pig pin and or that they can’t go to other people houses with out washing their clothes first is not okay. Mom has terminal cancer, dad is 86 years old and has a hard time walking around. He can’t be home 24/7 no one could handle that, yes mom needs someone there but it can’t just be on one person..
Dad was very angry that they had taken mom and no information was lift about anything, so when he came back she was gone.
I am not disagreeing with them feeling the need to remove mom out of the home, I think they did the right thing. Now the way they treated the family. I feel they really missed the mark. Mom is at Austin hospital here in Minnesota, this is a 2 hour drive for my husband and I. we ended up having to stay in a hotel, I don’t even want to think about how much school work I have lift to do. I know I gotta get it done but I am just drained. They were very harsh with dad, and I spoke up for him. I said he is a 86 year old man he can’t do it all on his own. I thought you guys were to have people who could come in to relieve him for a while during the day. They pretty much said, we are not here for him. I am concern with how they have treated my family in general.
Dad had gotten very upset and decided he would leave because he didn’t want them to have security remove him. I honestly do not think they would have. Dad has had some people blame him for mom cancer, and being in the hospital, mom wanted her dog to go to another family member, and Hospice was just really rude and not compassionate to him. I told Dad I would go with him, and walk him downstairs. Mom got upset to, and told dad Don’t you have a heart attack on me, so you die before me. That upset me because she was becoming upset, I told her, Mom don’t worry I will take care of dad and won’t leave him until he is okay. We got down stairs and out to the door area, and dad started losing it. He told me, he didn’t know what he was going to do. I told him it would be okay, and we’d get through it. I told him it wasn’t his fault, he did the best he could. I told him not to let people place the guilt on him, and that they were hurting and he was a easy person to blame. They just need someone to blame but it not his fault. I told him several times you did your best and that all anyone can ask of you.
It took a while, and I was at a lost as to help dad, shoot he been married over 55 years. I am 31 years old, and just been married for 2 years, how am I going to even be able to grasp how he feels. I told him he was important to Craig and I and we needed him still. He told me, they took everything from me first my wife and now my dog. Dad never had shown any real interest in the dog, we didn’t know, but when he told me they was taking everything away from him. I told him if he wanted the dog he could have her. Even before telling mom this, I just felt he needed the dog, because he will feel losing that dog is going to be like losing mom all over again. I do not want to see dad go through that. When I went back up I told mom, and she said I didn’t know and she felt bad and said he better have the dog. I told her not to worry about it, because I already told Dad the dog was his.
While talking to dad one of the helpers came up from the Hospital, and asked dad if he was okay and if we needed some grief counciling I said that I think it be good for dad but he keeps saying no. She spoke with him for a while and got him to agree. With me dad admit he needed help because he was lost and didn’t know what to do. We went back in to the hospital, and we found out their grief counselors are the hospice nurses. I said No, I will not have him speak again to hospice after they helped get him to this point. She said she tired to find someone who wasn’t in the meeting we lift. I told her it was not acceptable because they have no clue how to have a good bed side manner for the family members.
This family is hurting, yes we are all grieving in our own ways and some of us are at different places of our grief and angry. Dad is angry and sad, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how this is for him. She found out everyone that could help were the ones in the meeting. This was not doable for us. After what I saw in mom hospital room, why would I want to allow that? The lady finally suggested the hospital shrink, which is money out of our pockets. I told her that, and said the Hospice should not be the grief counselors because they are unable to listen with out judgment because they are there to care for mom well being and have clearly showed they don’t care about dad needs. How can you be impartial when your treating someone, it hard to keep your mouth shut when the person needs to vent their frustrations expecially when it something against your company or program.
Austin hospital, and any hospitals who have hospice playing two rules really should not do that, because when your feel attack your less likely to go or ask for help. What happened with dad, I told him when we got sick of the hospital options which would only upset him and then piss me off because I feel a strong need to be protective. I asked the lady for a piece of paper and told dad I was giving him my Grandma telephone number, and she would talk to him. Grandma several years ago lost her husband and I know she can understand dad plus she the same age group, same generation. We finally got a phone number from one of the nurses for grief support.
My husband and I have had just about the entire family leaning on us to be strong. I don’t mind his dad doing this to us, because he needs someone and has no one unless we are there. I love dad and shoot if he needed I’d give my heart to him. My husband and I were glad he called grandma right away, and lift her a message. I called her to let her know that dad would be calling her and I didn’t know what else to do to help him. Grandma spoke with dad, and talked to me about some of dads needs expecially with the dog. I will need to make sure dad keeps that little dog.
We had someone in the family tell me and my husband that one of us or dad should have to stay with mom until she dies, so that one of us are there because she scared. I got annoyed, with that person, I do not want dad or my husband having to watch her pass away in front of them. I told my husband if it gotta be one of us, I want it to be me. I feel a need to protect everyone around me. Most of the nurses and other staff workers saw this in me and told me if I needed help make sure we get it. I told her I would, but right now I have to make sure everyone else is okay. I will be fine.
Am I fine, as fine as I am going to be. I am very close to mom, not sure how she capture my heart the way she did, and it is hurting me deeply I can’t imagine how unbearable for my husband and dad and the rest of the family this must be.
Cancer is such a horrible thing, I really wish hospice wasn’t so horrible there because I really think dad could have used someone to talk to with training. My husband and I might have sought out help before we came home so we could unload a little bit, but we decided it wasn’t healthy idea. Why do I want to talk to hospice when we get to hear how it our fault our mom is going to die because we aren’t their enough. I know that not their exact word, but hell it feels like it. To be told your feelings are wrong is not okay, It not right, It’s our grief process and that okay!

I must have a target painted on

People are so impatient. This morning, I lift for work I was running late but wasn’t spending. I figure if I am late I am late, it’s better to not get a ticket so I try not to drive to fast. Plus in my area soon there will be deers out and about along the way. I started off to work, and had 2 people cut me off and lift me no time for stopping. Thank goodness they didn’t hit their breaks or no animals ran out in front of us.
I made it to work on one piece. I got to work and I kind of wish I would have not gotten out of bed today. It was far more nicer, resting and sleeping then having to deal with everything. They boxed me in to my work station and I now have a bruise on my leg with no protection. Maybe I need to start using bubble wrap as mybody jewelry, I would never be bruised but boy could you just imagine all the noise I would make. I almost tripped over another box just what I would need another problem.
One nice thing happened today I got a gift certificate to Dairy Queen, and meet one of the ladies I been speaking with a lot on the phone from my company.
I lift early and decided it be good to go over to Lunds, I needed to grab something for dinner that I forgot yesterday. I got up to my cross street for Lunds, and decided I would go to the next intersection. The light was clearly yellow, and soon to change over to red. It changed to red by the time I got to the intersection, but I had to run a clearly red light. The person behind me was going way to fast in their nice little brand new car. Had I stop she would have hit me, so I floored it and prayed no one would rush through the light she followed me right through that red light and stayed on my tail. How nice, I must have a target painted on my van. I got to my next street and she almost hit me, again.
I went into the store, kind of annoyed with the feeling of having a target painted on. I got out of the store and then this guy decided while I was still in the space he had to occupy the same space. I barely missed him hitting me. It seems that I have to be a very defensive driver, or I might have to many problems. I am a good drive and can’t count how many accident I have avoided, guess what man who thought he needed my space, it would have still been there in 10 seconds.

Relief, oh thank goodness

I just got good news, I have talked about being back in college. When I started back I was told I would have a bunch of money to come up with next year, and would end up with a shortfal this year of at least 1700. I was really starting to get stressed out. I was trying to play with my budget and see how can I save at least 600 a month to 800 a month and where can I put it, so I don’t spend it. How would I save money for my laptop, which will be a Toshiba. I need a new one because the one I am on is just about filled to the gills, and is barely meeting the school requirements. I found a laptop I wanted, and decided I would save money for that, before I start the big saving each month.
Tonight I got a call from financial aid, to let me know that I had plenty of money lift over in my Stafford loans, when a few weeks ago I was told I only had enough money for this year. They raised the price of Stafford to 57,000 from what ever it was before, this diffidently be enough money for me to complete my year and a half. I don’t plan to us all that but it’s a comfort to know I won’t need outside help for loans.
I had my mud on my face waiting for it to dry, when she called sometimes I need acne treatments, expecially working where I do. I had to wash it off while talking to her. I am so relieved that I don’t have to figure out the big bad cost of schooling. She told me think of the poor college students, I told her I am already a poor student, to be honest, it will take me forever to get money saved for my laptop. I am hoping to have it done before the end of the ear so I can right it off.

Gonna be one of those days

I had a hard time waking up today, and getting started. Normally I have trouble waking up and getting my day started. At least work went okay, and I didn’t hurt my self or anything, I wanted to do that until I got home.
I came home and worked on homework, for about 3 hours. I am most of the way done with my test, and completed all my reading. I just have the team assignment lift and the individual assignment with 2 or 3 more questions on the test, so I did complete a lot of work. Tomorrow I will come home and complete my my team assignment and then stat the personal assignment. The personal assignment should take the longest, and than I will probably just finish out the test. This test compared to the others was fairly easy, so I think I will be fine.
I need to get some office furniture for storing some stuff, and another bookshelf. I have got plenty of books.
Finally I got done with what I needed to do for homework and decided it be good to cook hubby and I dinner. I think he should have cooked, because my fingers are burned. I first turned on the wrong burner, that had a pot top on it, and picked it up by the handle which was cool. I decided I would wash it so I grabbed the stupid thing and then realized, the handle stays cool. Ouch oh well. Then when I was ready to pull out the hot dogs from the boiling water I tried sticking my hand in there to pick up the hot dogs. Thank goodness I caught myself before putting my hand in that hot water.
I think my mind is in to many places at once. I can’t say I was thinking about school, but I know I been thinking about my husband mom. She doesn’t look like she doing well, and I am worried she might not be here very long. I guess school work is helping me not think about that, until I leave school work.

I’m trying to sleep here

I think it time for me to keep Otis awake during the day when I am home. He’s been very talkative at night, not to mention sometimes he thinks it’s time to play. When I try to grab him he runs the other direction and then meows at me. Got clean food and water down, so I know he happy as far as that is. Now when I grab his little lucky rabbit leg looking thing, he shows interest in playing with it.
Have you ever noticed how cats will lay in the strangest positions, I am starting to wonder how they get their bodies so turned with out hurting.
If I was to lay like my cat does I would have a crick in my neck for a year. He likes laying on the chair next to the coach with his head laying on direction and his back half turned a different direction, like his chest is up and his stomachs down. This morning when I woke up I figured it was fair to disturb his sleep and mess with his stomach. Maybe if I keep him up when he wants to sleep he will learn to leave me sleep, or if he wants attention to come up right away when I call him and not play the run away game.
His squirrel friend I haven’t seen around lately, but I think he’s making a mess out of my plants. Maybe the squirrel is trying to build his family cheap hotels. Should see this little guy his comical has tried to get into the apartment, not sure why he would because we don’t feed him or any of the wild life here. Maybe he just interested in us for some reason.

Time goes by faster

Today I was working by myself. I hate to admit this I enjoyed it and it seemed like time went faster. I was doing something different then the usual stuffing, so it made it seem like something new or at least different.
For the first time in a long time I didn’t have to hear about someone else’s sex life, this was nice for a change. I was just able to do my work listen to my radio and stuff away. I got everything done that was needed done. I think it’s due tomorrow, so it good I got it done the day before. Tomorrow I will be back doing the normal thing.
Maybe I should buy the moon and move there, I’d have a abundance of quiet and no one to distract me from homework or other things. I am a little behind on homework or at least not as far as I wanted to be by now, but oh well. Seems like my learning group has also lost some steam. This weekend was busy, and half the time we got back or I got some time to do homework when it was simply to late for me. I will have to see if I can get my self caught up, accounting isn’t a class I want to be behind in at least next week is what they call quiet week, so there will not be as much homework.

How’d she do it

Today we went down to mom and dad’s, spent a couple hours. They have a tiny dog, she a mini Dobby, I believe. She will go in the house when I am not there but for some reason if I am visiting she knows better and will give the signal I gotta go potty. So I put her outside.
My husband and I had to run to supper Wal-mart to get mom and dad some stuff. I don’t mind doing this I figured it helps them and that what’s important. We also had to run to Wal-mart to return the bluetooth thing we got the last time we was there. Normally they don’t accept returns on electronics after a week but they made the exception when I explained I hurt my ankle which was nice of them.
We got back home and the dog was back in, mom said she got off the chain in the yard. Okay I know I had that on her securely. So I didn’t understand why, and hoped mom didn’t go out there and get her. I went out and check on the thing and it looked like it was unfastened. Okay maybe I just didn’t do it tight enough.
After a while the dog wanted back out, and I put her out on her chain. She gets out of the yard which isn’t safe for her. She gets into trouble. I made sure I clasped it tightly when I put her out there, once again she got off of it. So I checked the stupid thing again after getting her, in the house. Now I see the stupid thing had lost it’s springyness to it. Oh well..
I wonder if dogs can havetravel insurance, I think this little one needs it.

Jumpy are we

Otis, is jumpy today. My husband and I where talking, having a tense conversation. Otis went to walk by him, hubby moved his foot just repositioning and the cat jump and did the hunch back with hair sticking up. Otis has always been leery of men, so maybe the tension in the room made him nervous. I am wondering if his abusers where male or something, he sure don’t seem to trust them. I know my husband would never do anything to harm the cat, and my husband knows if he were he’d sign a death wish.
Otis is getting old, but boy is he sassy. Today we came home and I went straight to the office. He followed me in there. After a few minutes of the meowing and pawing at me. So I tried petting him, then he runs under my keyboard, so I decided to start working on homework. Wow I saying homework in every post lately. Otis came back to me after a couple of minutes and did, his annoying meow, the one that’s pay attention to me but I am going to make you have to work to give me attention. Isn’t it amazing cats want attention and they think you gotta earn petting them. Well I got him after a few minutes of his meowing and pawing my legs I figured I was going no where fast with studying. So I pulled him up in my lap and hugged him, and nuzzled with him for a few minutes. Then he laid in my lap for about 3 pages of reading and decided he had to dig his back paw in my knee while jumping down.
I have got to find my fake pearls I used to put on his tail loosely and let him chase it around in circles it funny to watch him. Like he trying to figure out what’s attached to his butt, and then he runs in a circle.. I know mean, I don’t do it to often.
Speaking of pearls, I would love to get a bracelet of freshwater pearls for special occassions.

Just Surprise me

Tonight I got caught up with homework and reading it. I did my two chapters of reading, I only got one lift for this week. I figured it be nice to get ahead on reading so I can just focus on Discussion questions and homework and quiz. So know I only have one chapter to read. I got done at around 9pm, asked hubby have you ate, he said no I was waiting for you or something.
Okay, all you did was take a nap then come in here and watch tv. So I asked him why he didn’t make dinner, he told me I always kick him out or tell him I will do it in a minute. Well Shoot, just surprise me. Don’t come asking me if you can cook me dinner, expecially when I am busy with homework, because I might feel the need to get up and do it. Would have been nice to have something made for me, so I didn’t have to eat late at night which isn’t good for losing weight. I mean cooking dinner is like trying to get me a digital signage. It would have been sweet and probably made me feel a little better with everything. I know, I am the wife and most men feel the woman gotta do everything, but you know if I working and going to school then it on both of us.
When he asks to cook dinner, I don’t know but i just feel the need to chase him out of my kitchen. I love cooking but sometimes when it done for me as a surprise with out asking me to I might enjoy it.

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