Just Pass Me By

Good thing I don’t need to get this done before Sunday or I’d be in trouble. I guess I am just really bother by something going on with dad. I have been told by several people who I have shared with that this is end of life. Not necessarily today, or this week but within a Year to 2 years. Dad has memory problems he has Alzheimer and dementia. Lately dad been telling me mom been visiting him, she’s been sitting on the coach talking to him, about when he ready to go home. I know some of this is due to depression and sleeping more then being awake so he probably confusing reality with dreams. He has a couple times confused me with other people, this doesn’t bug me to much.
The other day I came home and he had told me I been home for an hour. Well I had just got in and stopped at the grocery store before coming home. He told me he saw me wearing my long skirt, okay I wear long skirts but I know I can’t be in two places at once. I wonder if dad was dreaming or actually awake and seeing things. The other day after he came home and went to his room, I found him sitting on his bed talking to someone who wasn’t there. He was looking at the coach and actively appearing to listen, and talk back to the person. I don’t know how to respond so I just walked by and let him be. Now I don’t have water that comes from the refrigerator if I did, I would think about changing the refrigerator water filters to make sure nothing was causing him to see things not really there. Maybe we have a Angel or he’s speaking to ghost which to me is a little more scary then an Angel. I am not scared of Ghost and now they exist, but talking to them about passing away well that’s a little hard to deal with.
I watch my dad die from cancer, watch hubby mom die from cancer, and now it appears I watching dad die from something just about worst then cancer, I think it just as bad. The hard thing is what dad has is taking him away, going to cause him to live in the past and not even realize the present. I know this will get worst overtime, and I know as a primary caregiver both me and my husband and going through a lot of things. Things we probably need to talk about, because it not healthy just leaving it fester and wait until it all explodes.
Dad sometimes gets so cranky, mean and unkind, he gets simply hard to deal with. The other day I got so upset with him, and went to the bedroom just to keep from saying anything to him I’d regret later. I know I shouldn’t let him make me cry because it really not him saying it it’s his illness, but it still stings and hurts sometimes.

I aught to get homework done but I can’t seem to concentrate. I have so many things on my mind right now. I graduate this weekend from college, and have a couple of class to complete then I will start my masters. I am worried about dad and something which have been said to me by friends and family who have been there done that type of thing. It’s been a rough year and I stuck with college, everyone must think I haven’t had to give u anything because everyone acts like I can complete everything on my own. I have a learning team assignment due by Sunday and a individual assignment due by Monday. I will complete both of them, and be just fine.
I simply feel stressed out and alone lately. I know my husband is there but I can’t really share a lot with him because then he becomes burdened and worried, and it bad enough that I am worried. I guess if I was really honest I don’t feel he been very supportive of me over the last year, he claims he is but I just don’t feel it. Even though I tell him no to cooking dinner it would be nice if he offered it once in a while so I don’t feel like everyone expects me to do it all, because then I choose to do it myself and it on me not on him. Not like skipping a few meals would hurt either one of us but I do it more for dad. Right now if it was just me and hubby than I’d let him go hungry. Maybe I aught to look into clinicallix, I been losing weight but not half as fast as I want to but having late night snacks don’t help, neither does skipping meals.
Maybe I feel much the way I do because of my mother, who told me she be here for graduation but then decided I wasn’t important enough. I have always tried to get my mom favor and her acceptance and make her proud but you know it just simply isn’t going to happen. My mom will never be proud of me, shoot she even told me as a teen she wishes she didn’t have me. Mom and I have healed from the past but she still lets me down, maybe i am still expecting to much from her.
My grandma was going to try to come but her health will not allow her to, which I understand and honestly it doesn’t hurt me. I know when I go down to Illinois and visit her and my uncles, we can celebrate it together, and I know she wanted to come. She feels bad, I wish she could but she can’t. I don’t know if dad will feel up to it.
It feels like hubby would rather not be there. He already offered to work on Saturday for our congregation, after Rabbi found out we’d be at the other building. Hubby claims he did it to get Rabbi to think about other options, Rabbi pretty much told hubby he would not survive it. Tonight hubby comes home and tells me Rabbi wants him at the History Theater at 530, no later. Okay that’s fine it’s over with plenty of times. But then my hubby continues on talking about it and stressing how it important for us to be there at 530. This to me felt like him saying he rather be there then with me. Hmmm maybe graduating from college isn’t that big of a deal, and I am making it a big deal which it seems to be clearly not that big of a deal to people close to me.