Your home

Dad came at at about 1030 tonight hubby and I where home for quiet a while, and he said your home finally. I told him we’ve been here a long time now. Then he saw the desk and was teasing us about who was moving, and I told him the desk is for hubby and I got me one to to make my life a little easier. Part of the reason I got the desk for me is when I am back in school I will need my desktop more often but the desk I have is not pleasant to use. Dad is so confused about computers and hubby and I use them a lot, I wonder if he would be confused with a dehumidifier, although normally we don’t need one its not that humid in the apartment.
Dad said his phone wasn’t working after he called hubby on it. Nope its working just fine it means who ever you called isn’t answering the telephone. We have kept dad number blocked and have ended up needing to keep certain people from calling him when they want because they simply can not be trusted and some of them make him suicidal, which is not something hubby and I need everytime they talk, it gets old. He deserves to be treated a lot better than that and I won’t have him being harmed in my home. My home will be a safe place, I see him as a father to me. I lost my father, and hubby dad is special. I am going to be so lost when he passes away, I am not even sure I can handle it. But I know I will.. Today was a overall good day.

I demand a walk or no potty

I have to say the breed of dog mom and dad picked are very stubborn. At least she hasn’t done her business in the house for a few months. Now that it warm outside the dog is demanding a walk, it funny because she gotta go poo and you know she does by the way she walks but she refuses. I took her on a walk yesterday and she did the let me see how long I can hold it and how long she will walk me. But I decided not to take to long of the walk because of the mold outside. Mold is hard for me to deal with, well last night hubby took her out for her evening walk, and she did the same thing for him.
I wonder if the best under eye cream would work for making her scar on the eye look less bad. She will always have it because of losing it. Today it doesnt look so pleasant outside so maybe it will be cool enough. Speaking of walking the dog I better get her out on the afternoon walk.

Same conversation

I have to admit having the same conversation is a little frustrating. I understand why so I try not to let it bother me to much. Dad has been upset that the grand kids are still holding a hate towards my hubby and I. I simply don’t care anymore it’s their fault if they don’t get to see grandpa because he wants us with him on his visit. One of the kids doesn’t know when to stop teasing him and it upsets him.
I understand why they are angry and unhappy, but you know I wouldn’t have cared how much I hated my aunt and uncle, if it was to see my grandparent I would have went and dealt with it. But they are not me and hopefully they will learn to let go of their hate, and bad feelings towards us.
Dad will not have many more days of having his mind well enough to remember who they are. Dad will become no more fun for the grand kids and I am sorry they are going to hate us after dad pass on. Nothing will fix that because their parent don’t want to do anything they want hubby and I to take the blame and anger for one of them being sent to live with them. I honestly think next time I am asked to do something to help him I will say not and go find some acne scar removal treatment for the kids because I will have nothing to do to bring more hate on my hubby or I. If they are being abuse fine I will report it again but I will have nothing more to do with it. Dad is 87 he’s losing his mind and the grand kids are more worried about being disrespectful when they talk to him or use let them have their due reward. I am sick of having dad feelings hurt because the kids want nothing to do with us. I told him if he wants to see the kids I can drop him off and pick him up later, but dad says no. If you kids not wanted them I am not going, so it puts hubby and I in a rock in a hard place.

Kill that noise

The dog is looking for where the music is coming from and confused, I have a new little thing so it not coming from it normal places but it coming out near me and its got the dog looking.. So she found the noise source and growled at it and than went and sat in her pillow. Dad was only out for a few moments tonight and spent a little time with his dog. At least he knows the dog. Well at least dad don’t have herpes simplex virus 1 to top everything else.
I know there will be many days like this and I have to figure out how not to let it rule my emotions. Dad is back in bed and I still want to cry, but at the same time I want to hit something, or do something to feel better. I don’t understand why he going through what he’s going through. I am simply mad that his mind is being taken away gradually and there no way to stop it form happening. I am angry and sad all at the same time. Dad is very much like a dad to me. My biological father died when I was 17, and hubby dads has treated me more like his child and with more love and acceptance then my mom own husband, my step dad. I am not wishing it was them, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I wouldn’t even wish it on someone that done the worst wrong to me.. And shoot he’d earn it.
The dog seems to know when dad is with his reality or in another reality.

Can’t wait for Monday

I been playing a lot of an internet game, but today it wasn’t a good escape from lives reality. I am not saying that it not a part of my reality but sometimes it ends up well adding a little more stress. To be honest I wouldn’t even be playing the game if it wasn’t for a couple of other players, and enjoying their company. I can’t leave the house for long periods of time, and this week I had a week vacation. I have been home most of the time, and now my cat getting friesky with the teddy bears.
Between when my husband leaves and I get home dads only by his self for about 4 hours. He normally doesn’t get up before I get home and tell him its time to eat. He sleeps almost all day, and is up part of the night, so some nights I get little sleep and get up early. Some nights he sleeps through that then I get enough sleep. Sometimes I come home from work and take a nap.
I am a lot happier with my job, its not so new any more my last job was stuffing in envelopes of fresh catalog printing, and general office work. It was boring and I hated it now I work with autistic kids and I am a lot happier. I look forward to going to work, and boy is it nice to actually want to go to work and not dread it..

Where do I know you from

I could cry right now, but I can’t because I know Dad will think it’s him. Today been a little bit on the long side and I am feeling mix emotions between sad and angry. Not at anyone but at the situation, I am faced with. Somedays dad doesn’t seem to know who I am, and some days I wonder if he really knows me. Today been one of days he didn’t know who I was, but knew he knew me.
So his question today was Where do I know you from, I told him you knew me for quiet awhile. His response was I just meet you when I moved up here. No, you’ve known me a lot longer then that. So I asked him Who am I. He thought for a while and finally came up your my daughter in law, but he was confused to come up to the conclusion. Maybe I should have told him he found me in the web directories to take care of him. I reminded him of the first day we meet.
Told him, remember you and mom told me if hubby misses up, then you’d adopt me as your own and he couldn’t have me. My heart feels so heavy today, I know there will be more days like this, and I don’t understand why this is not easier to deal with, I understand what going on. I know dad can’t help it, so why is it hurting me. Hell I have a friend from my congregation who says I am her hero, nah don’t think I am very heroic I can’t even let this not affect me and make me feel sad. At least he don’t try cooking, or he don’t smoke anymore so I don’t have to worry about that, I just have to worry about him leaving and getting lost and not remembering who I am. Alzheimer is a ugly thing, it not cool at all takes away who a person is and causes them to be lost. Trapped in a past reality and the people around them suddenly become those of the past reality.

No wonder

Well I finally figured out why my allergies and asthma has been so bad, its because of the mold which comes during the great thaw. It looks like spider webs so I was assuming that stuff was from some kind of bug or something. I guess I was wrong, I am still sneezing and not feeling the greatest this season. I think spring is going to be a rough season this year for me.
Last week I could barely taste anything this week I can taste food again. I feel like last week most of it was a Fastin type of week, barely ate anything.
Hopefully the mold will go away soon and I can walk the dog longer, she really wants one, and I think walking her more would be good for me. Taking care of dad and the house get a little boring. I will be glad to go back to work on Monday.

Not sure what to do

To be honest, I am not sure how to solve my problem. I found out the degree I wanted at school has been postponed and they do not know for how long. So now I have 4 options. 1. give up and say to much trouble for school. 2 take the GER testing, and find another graduate program 3. Convince hubby it would be good to move closer to the school or extension campus with the degree program,. 4 Wait until the program comes and figure out how in the world, I will pay off student loans while working part time and care taking for dad.

Recently someone asked me to look at the gmat prep, I wonder if maybe they will have something more for prep. The nice thing about this is I could study when and where I want. Now my worry about taking the GER test is because I am a horrible tester and I worry this could potentially disqualify me for a master program. So this seems like a program that might help with the preparing for testing. GMAT would help me if I wanted management masters, but since i am going into counseling it probably would do me little good. Business management is important I have the undergrad degree in that, but shoot if I am going to get a master in Business management I would be able to remain and not think about now what am I going to do.

They claim you can get up to 50% of your money back, but I am not sure. It seems like a good program to get a person ready for Management testing..

Where is my husband

I like to know where he went, oh there he is, for our anniversary a personalized gifts, I think it would be great if I could do that. I been wanting to do it for a couple years now and never have been able to get him something. I know what I want to get him but every time that time comes I can’t. I can’t say what I am thinking I want to get because he reads my page.
We went out for dinner, and then we came back home from the store. We had to pick up water and other junk, sometimes spending time with him is hard. On Saturday we sit together during worship and other part but it not like having time to talk to him about things. Lately a lot of our talks have been about dad, and not other things, seldomly do we have time to spend with each other.

Got a good night sleep

I got a good night sleep last night, dad was able to sleep all night which is great. I should look into getting some msm supplement maybe it would help my immune system deal with all the stress it under. Last night I had some strange dreams, and some dreams mixed in with other stuff going on in life.
I woke up this morning a couple of times but for the most my dreams where pleasant and funny. I had a couple not so pleasant dreams but that happens sometimes. I am glad dad sleep all night it allowed my body a little time to heal. I woke up this morning able to speak a little stronger then yesterday but boy I am tired.
I decided last minute this morning to go to service and I partly went because I was going to go stair crazy.
Dad was pretty good today no confusion and yesterday he didn’t recall anything about being up early in the morning or keeping us up. I think the way I will define Alzheimer is being stuck in a past reality and unable to be apart of the present reality.

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