Just Pass Me By

The dog is looking for where the music is coming from and confused, I have a new little thing so it not coming from it normal places but it coming out near me and its got the dog looking.. So she found the noise source and growled at it and than went and sat in her pillow. Dad was only out for a few moments tonight and spent a little time with his dog. At least he knows the dog. Well at least dad don’t have herpes simplex virus 1 to top everything else.
I know there will be many days like this and I have to figure out how not to let it rule my emotions. Dad is back in bed and I still want to cry, but at the same time I want to hit something, or do something to feel better. I don’t understand why he going through what he’s going through. I am simply mad that his mind is being taken away gradually and there no way to stop it form happening. I am angry and sad all at the same time. Dad is very much like a dad to me. My biological father died when I was 17, and hubby dads has treated me more like his child and with more love and acceptance then my mom own husband, my step dad. I am not wishing it was them, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I wouldn’t even wish it on someone that done the worst wrong to me.. And shoot he’d earn it.
The dog seems to know when dad is with his reality or in another reality.

I been playing a lot of an internet game, but today it wasn’t a good escape from lives reality. I am not saying that it not a part of my reality but sometimes it ends up well adding a little more stress. To be honest I wouldn’t even be playing the game if it wasn’t for a couple of other players, and enjoying their company. I can’t leave the house for long periods of time, and this week I had a week vacation. I have been home most of the time, and now my cat getting friesky with the teddy bears.
Between when my husband leaves and I get home dads only by his self for about 4 hours. He normally doesn’t get up before I get home and tell him its time to eat. He sleeps almost all day, and is up part of the night, so some nights I get little sleep and get up early. Some nights he sleeps through that then I get enough sleep. Sometimes I come home from work and take a nap.
I am a lot happier with my job, its not so new any more my last job was stuffing in envelopes of fresh catalog printing, and general office work. It was boring and I hated it now I work with autistic kids and I am a lot happier. I look forward to going to work, and boy is it nice to actually want to go to work and not dread it..

I could cry right now, but I can’t because I know Dad will think it’s him. Today been a little bit on the long side and I am feeling mix emotions between sad and angry. Not at anyone but at the situation, I am faced with. Somedays dad doesn’t seem to know who I am, and some days I wonder if he really knows me. Today been one of days he didn’t know who I was, but knew he knew me.
So his question today was Where do I know you from, I told him you knew me for quiet awhile. His response was I just meet you when I moved up here. No, you’ve known me a lot longer then that. So I asked him Who am I. He thought for a while and finally came up your my daughter in law, but he was confused to come up to the conclusion. Maybe I should have told him he found me in the web directories to take care of him. I reminded him of the first day we meet.
Told him, remember you and mom told me if hubby misses up, then you’d adopt me as your own and he couldn’t have me. My heart feels so heavy today, I know there will be more days like this, and I don’t understand why this is not easier to deal with, I understand what going on. I know dad can’t help it, so why is it hurting me. Hell I have a friend from my congregation who says I am her hero, nah don’t think I am very heroic I can’t even let this not affect me and make me feel sad. At least he don’t try cooking, or he don’t smoke anymore so I don’t have to worry about that, I just have to worry about him leaving and getting lost and not remembering who I am. Alzheimer is a ugly thing, it not cool at all takes away who a person is and causes them to be lost. Trapped in a past reality and the people around them suddenly become those of the past reality.

Well I finally figured out why my allergies and asthma has been so bad, its because of the mold which comes during the great thaw. It looks like spider webs so I was assuming that stuff was from some kind of bug or something. I guess I was wrong, I am still sneezing and not feeling the greatest this season. I think spring is going to be a rough season this year for me.
Last week I could barely taste anything this week I can taste food again. I feel like last week most of it was a Fastin type of week, barely ate anything.
Hopefully the mold will go away soon and I can walk the dog longer, she really wants one, and I think walking her more would be good for me. Taking care of dad and the house get a little boring. I will be glad to go back to work on Monday.