Just Pass Me By

Man, I am tired. This weekend wasn’t good. Lets see I blogged about what happened on Friday night. Dad took a fall, he was okay. Sunday dad fall asleep on the couch and his heart rate had dropped seriously low. He started aspirating and not responding to me. I was very concerned about him, normally I can rouse Dad from his sleep but couldn’t and he was puking. I was able to get him in a position that he could puke up with out coking on it or worst. The EMT came right away! I will say Clackamas County EMTS and Fire department I am impressed with they got here very fast. They had to shock dad heart to get it beating at a pace that was good. So Now I am once again behind in my practicum class, and have fallen behind in my social cultural class, and I am exhausted and have no concentration.
I responded to Dad issues in probably under a minute, within a minute from that my husband was calling 911 and very quickly they came. I am starting to wonder how much more stress I can take in this set of classes before i simply break down.
I normally do not cry but Sunday I just couldn’t stop from crying. I was scared for dad. By the time we got to the ER and was let in Dad was off the machine and heart rate was normal. They kept him for 2 nights because he had a similar episode overnight the first night. They took him off the beta blockers and told us low fat/low sodium diet. Okay I can do that no problem, because I already do that at home. This weekend I really realized how many things I gave up since moving her. Now I would still do this again, but if I could go back I would have brought my guitar with me. It my outlet that I really need.
Dad came home today from the hospital you know, I didn’t sleep good while he was at the hospital, but I felt a lot better that they had a thing on his bed to indicate he gotten up. I was worried he might fall there at the hospital. I have to say I am impressed with the hospital too.

Last night we had to call 911 for dad. He fall in the bathroom and we couldn’t get him up. He was trying to sleep on the floor and was just not very responsive. The nice thing the dispatcher lift me go right away probably figuring we had everything under control and he was breathing. This is a good thing, and she left me get off my cellphone. Yeah I don’t want to see my cell phone bill oh well. The fire department removed my door in the bathroom. My husband told me to call maint and have them do it. Why do it, I mean I know how to fix it. Just like my guitar teacher is able to teach cords as long as the person has hands to learn with, and it kindof similar. I just had to align the door.

Wow it’s raining and you know it bad when a small dog sinks into the mud. Yep the dog is sinking in the mud. I know I do not want to venture far into any of the yards around here. I did the other day and almost slipped thank goodness I had one foot on concrete. It’s amazing how slippery the grassy areas are, almost as bad as snow but not quiet.

I don’t even bother asking him who I am when my husband talking to him and he’s confused as to who I am. He sometimes thinks I am one of his wives either x or mom. I love dad and it painful to watch my husband dad go through this. I call his dad, dad, his parents accepted me from day one. It didn’t matter anything about my past or where I had came from they showed me love, and respect as their daughter inlaw. The first night I met them they told me my husband misses up they would adopt me then he couldn’t have me at all. It made me feel wanted and the L-rd knows I needed that kind of acceptance. Now with dad Alzhiemers I don’t think he is who I used to know. He not as friendly any more, and he seems more angry. He gets confused as to where he is at and who he is with, or where he is living. The other night he told me he had to go home, so I had to tell him he was at home and go back to bed.
This is a horrible desease dad has and it not like you can put a teflon hose in the brain and cure it. There is no real known reason for Alzhiemers, we do know the brain shrinks with age, but it similar according to the doctor last night. What I would like to understand is why do some people get it and why do some people just lose some of there faculties. I really think I need my guitar soon I need a outlet to relieve stress. I am glad I had a friend to go out with this week and get out of the house.

I’ve wrote about my struggles in the past of caring for my husband dad, who has Alzheimer’s and dementia. Dad does things which is hard not to let it upset me, and sometimes worries me. Lately dad been a lot of the playing the victim card on people. My husband and I do not hurt him or harm him. He been refusing to wear his hearing aids so he doesn’t understand what being told to him, and then gets mad when we tell him put them in. I went to grab his hearing aids to put them in and he acted as if I was gonna inflict pain on him. I have never hit him or came close to it. Neither has my husband, yet dad acts like we do horrible things. This concerns me because we would never do anything to him.
The worst we do is make him drink 3 bottles of water a day, and eat healthy, put his hearing aids in and walk with his cane. I wish their was medical malpractice insurance illinois for caring for family some days. I am studying to be a counselor and taking practicum and have to have liability insurance. which is amazing. I am not working with clients yet. Oh well back to the topic.
Dad has lived with us for a few years now. Dealing with him becomes more and more like dealing with a child. He takes the couch pillow and puts them over the dog to keep her from getting cold. He use far to much toilet paper and feeds the animals. Everything he does to cause a mess I am the benefactor of it. I have to clean it up. When he lies to people my husband and I have to explain the issues. He been doing a lot of sundowning or trying too but we keep him on a sleep schedule. I love my husband dad but somedays it is hard to deal with, I love him but his ploy for sympathy is frustrating. Can’t he understand people will like him and care about him even if he in a good home, with people who love and care and simply want the best for him.
Lately he been doing the I am not gonna use my cane, and i am gonna full all over the place and get a bruise on my forehead because I refuse to walk with my cane. Then he get angry at me when I tell him to use his cane.
Recently we have started to have to tell him when to go to the bathroom because his brain isn’t receiving the message of I have to go to the bathroom. So he have accidents on the couch or his bed but he won’t tell us when it happens. He tries to hid it from us then when I find it I have to deal with it. This is a ugly thing for anyone to have and I hate watching my husband dad go through this, it heart breaking. I don’t know how to keep from feeling angry, sad and a bunch of other feelings when dad in a episode.

Today I took shadow out for her walk, she a good little girl. I think I have done great training her, she hasn’t tried to jump on any one for quiet awhile. She is a loving dog but when she first moved in she wasn’t potty trained, had no leash walking manners. Now she walks nicely for me on the leash, still barks at other dogs but she not out of control in it. She better at greeting fellow dogs, and behaves nicely. She still need some reminders. I have her even trainned to walk around the couch and wait for the command up on the couch. I have worked hard with her to teach her how to be a good dog. At least she never gone after my shoes, I couldn’t imagine the mess the zamberlan boots would make if she started chewing on my boots.
She is still playful and wants lots of love.

I have to feel bad for my big sis, she called me today. I am normally a early raiser but lately I haven’t been sleeping good. When dad is up I am up, which means I don’t always sleep much. When i finally do get to sleep while he sleeping I am so tired I sleep till almost noon. Normally I used to be up no later then 9am, it has changed a lot for me it seems. My husband is up most nights working so he can’t make sure dad doesn’t wander about so it on me. I don’t mind at all. You do what you need to for family. Mom asked me today why hubby doesn’t stay with dad at night when he up and I need sleep. Hubby sleep through anything and if dad wander out the door I want him to be stopped so he does not get harmed.
Dad sleep last night but I was very tired today. Finally my face cleaner came in the mail yesterday from MN, I am so glad I won’t need to get some argan oil for skin and try it now. the stuff I had was drying me out and making me itchy.

Dad has been frustrating me. I understand he needs to get up and go pee, I understand he might have needs in the middle of the night. I don’t mind if he tells me he has a need, especially when he staring at me and I ask him What do you need. What’s wrong. I get annoyed when he tells me after I finally fedup with trying to get some sleep that he was in pain all night his legs hurt. Well why didn’t you ask me for something. I was on my computer till 3Am and then waiting for the stupid Cable box to turn off which it never did. I finally fall asleep and got 2 hours of sleep for him to wake me up. I hardly get a full night sleep, so I get grumpy becuase I can not take naps during the day. Only naps I get is when I am sick, other wise I simply don’t fall asleep well.
Today when he started complaining at me about his pain, I told him I didn’t want to hear it because he could have asked for meds. He often does not tell us what he wants or needs and then get mad at us when we are not mind readers. It not like I have a mobile cell booster in my brain that connects me to everyone needs. Yes I have empathy, sometimes I can tell if he not feeling the best. But how am I supposed to fix it if he don’t tell me what wrong when I ask or what he needs when I ask. He ask for donuts and popcorn but not meds for pain.
Today he told me, find him somewhere else to live. I told him fine you can go to a home, you ungrateful little grunt. He can’t take care of his self, I have to make sure he takes his meds, takes a bath, puts clean clothes on. It like dealing with a 2 year old child, except he mostly potty trained. He won’t even tell me if he gotta go potty while out then want to stay there when he has an accident and get mad at me and hubby when we tell him no we need to go home and change. I know he got Alzheimer but it still hard not to let some of the things that happen bug me. This weekend he ended up in the hospital for dehydration even though I been giving him water. Sometimes I feel like I have failed at my duty to protect him, but as I say you can lead a horse to water but if they aren’t gonna drink it nothing you can do.

I do not know how many times I have to tell my father in law to stop using my desk as his stabilizer. We get him a cane and he refuses to use the dang thing, well what do we expect he do the same with the rings mom got him even if they was artcarved wedding bands. It is frustrating dealing with him always wanting to use the desk which isn’t that stable to begin with, my keyboard thing has already came off of the desk from to much wait on it. This desk can well break because it is not exactly the strongest piece of furniture in the house. If he leaned on the TV entertainment stand I would be less worried the thing ways 100pounds, and is stable. I am just waiting for my desk to break and the monitor to go down and break along with the new video cam, and dad being seriously injured. I am trying to figure out where to move the desk to where he can not use it as a balancing agent.

Today I had to do a strong inventory test for school. I was surprised that landscaping was in there as an interest. I like planting and creating floral arrangements, I enjoy watching plants grow, or making simple designs. A floral arrangement can convey a lot to the person you give it to, it can tell them you care about them, you sympathize with them, you miss them. So many things a floral arrangement can do, it can even send them a gift of just thinking about you, or I love you.
I have bought many floral arrangements from different places. I guess maybe I should try my hand at the art of arranging floral things, and giving them as gifts maybe it would be something I end up doing very well. But as the saying goes you can’t take the helper out of a person, my career choice wouldn’t be in floral design but a hobby it could be. I like planting gardens and I miss being able to do that.