Just Pass Me By

My best friend has one of the sweetest cats I have met. His been sick since day one, and many of her other friends told her to put the cat down. He got kidney problems, and now he got problems with his stomach and he has cat asthma, so he always on steriods of some type. I feel bad for her because there are months she bring in her cat at least 2 if not 3 times.
On some levels I agree with her friends, but I also put another clause in it, which is if the cat is eating drinking and playing, then he okay. I don’t see the point of putting down a cat unless its in to much pain or stops playing and eating or drinking because it clear he not having a good life.
Lately my friend has been a little bit holier then thou coming across on messenger I know that not her intention, so I over look it. This week I got a little annoyed with her because on my birthday she was texting me about her cats problem and never once asking how I was doing. I not made at the no happy birthday no big deal but lately she been doing a lot of the tell me all her problems but never bother to ask how I am doing. I am not mad but it’s annoying sometimes.
To bad getting pet insurance isn’t as easy as finding good cheap auto insurance. What they need is a medical plan for her cat, and for their new baby kitty. I think the hardest thing for her will be when the time comes to do the right thing, I just hope she doesn’t leave him suffer when it time for him to be let go off. I know it sounds cruel but it’s not. I believe our pets should be given a lot of care and compassion and to let them live with horrible pain is wrong. Now Otis my cat if he ever so sick that it’s more pain for him I know it be hard for me to make that call but I have already decided if he ever got cancer I would probably end up needing to put him down. I would leave him live as comfortable as possible but when he got uncomfortable I would say that was enough.
My friend feels like a bad mommy to her cat, but honestly it nothing she done because he always been a sick cat and that not something she caused.

Before my husband and I went down to see dad we had talked about some of hubby’s concerns for his dad. Over the last couple of years we noticed dad has some growth on his face to me they look like moles, moles aren’t necessarily bad unless they start changing cheaps or colors sometimes they are bad even with out changing.
I have had a mole on my side of my face for a long time since I was a early teen, it’s level with my eye but can be hid with my hair, I would love to get it removed but not sure if the scar is worth the not having it there. I told my husband I have had this for a while and if dad got what I have or similar he aught to be fine.
We talked to dad about getting it checked to make sure it nothing bad. Dad said he would next time he went to the doctor. We worry about him because of losing mom to cancer. I am not saying because mom had it he’ll have it in some other form. But because he smokes and does other things which aren’t healthy we worry he has increased his risk. Dad has a health plans through the company he retired from. I know the people he living with now are safer I just hope they are making sure he taking his meds, and that he is seeing his doctor when he aught to. I thinking for my husband and I cancer will always be our greatest fear for our loved ones.

You know those people who walk around with those blowers, they work great on leaves and fallen small branches. Otis why at his clawing post perch thing, they came walking by the building he got into a small little coarch type of stance and started walking toward me, with his ears back.
He wanted nothing to do with that loud noise but hey I can’t blame him niether because I don’t like it niether. Now I will have to go out and clean off my balcony.
Otis went and hid behind my coach after a couple minutes he did something I have not seen him do when he gets scared. I have my sewing machine between the coach and the wall in the living room, Otis went to the sewing machine and put his 2 front paws up and look from his little hidding place he made for him self and watched what they were doing.
Grant it when Otis is scared or alarmed I will tell him it’s okay, it can’t get you. Otis I wouldn’t call him a shy cat but I wouldn’t call him out going, I will say he improved a lot since I first got him. It used to be when something scared him he would hide in somewhere for the entire day. So this is a improvement for Otis considering he is back in here, sneefing my toes.

We found my husband jacket. I couldn’t remember if he had it at the clinic, and my friend said she recalled him wearing it at the clinic. Today we got a package from one of our reveiwable things. Yippie I can’t wait to see what new games we get to play. Okay I like gaming expecially when I get stuck on homework or when I just get home from work and need to give my brain a little of relaxation time to think of nothing.
I better call my friend and tell her that he found his jacket. I stopped by management and one of our guys told me we have your husband jacket. I was like are you kidding me. This honestly was the last place and honest I didn’t even think about the office here. I would have never guessed it niether would my husband have. Good thing I went down there to pick up a package but it would have been nice to at least recieve a call hey we have your jacket. It’s not like it’s tea light candles which are great, but still not needed right away this time of year. It’s a jacket in in Minnesota it does get a little cold toward the end of October, well now hubby gots 2 jackets. Maybe before stopping on Saturday we should have checked with management but you know I forgot all about him having his jack over his arm not on him. Oh well, 2 jackets is good and now I don’t have to hurry up and net him his scraff. Now I can take my time and unthread it if I really wanted to but I think I am far enough that unthreading it would be more of a pain in the nick then good. I wonder what we got in our package, I don’t open them I let him open them, with me.

I wish I had two of me, I seriously could use another me. Today my husband and I were talking, and I kind of didn’t get everything done in school. My school sites been having issues, well on Monday night I am supposed to go to a service with Hubby, well if I don’t want to go I don’t have to. I told my husband I have to get all my home work done before Monday night because if I go to service Monday night then Tuesday morning, I won’t have time to finish up the lose ends.
We had to stop at one of the stores, and hubby wanted me to make chilli the way I make it with final exams and having to write one paper and a part of a learning team paper and help with the Powerpont presentation I just felt that would be to much on my plate. I love cooking but the prep sometimes just takes to much time and if I am going to do it I don’t want to feel rushed. I first told him it would cost us more money then we had to spend, which it would have, then I told him Plus I have a lot of homework and that just to much pressure on me. He didn’t get it, and expected me to explan it for him. How many times do I have to tell him when I am at the last night of class and I have a final Exam I don’t havea lot of time. It amazing how men will think okay I can seat in my room play on the computer or what ever, and my wife can do everything else. I know he don’t think that but sometimes it feels like it expecailly when I am feeling pressured because I didn’t get everything done and I forgot what this week was coming up.
It took me just a little over 2 hours to complete my paper, but by the time I got it done I realized oh he didn’t come out… He told me he would help me with time management so I could get everything done by helping, tonight would have been a great night to cook dinner for me, it would have helped me a lot expecailly getting us feed before 9pm.
I made him bean and chips me I had a Yogurt because I have to watch my weight, and didn’t want anything heavey. At least I have no dishes in the kitchen sinks that’s a plus. Tomorrow I will be able to complete my other 2 things.

I have always believed that trust has to be earned. I have learned when I won’t hold to the “trust has to be earned” I get burned. My husband mom recently passed away and I have shared about it. Dad decided he would stay with a neighbor. I honestly had some unsettled feelings about it, but because dad wanted to I decided to try not to worry to much for dad.
Tonight we got a call about the woman he is living with from my husband sister there were concerns. So my husband called one our family members who lives right near, and found out. We have been a little annoyed because when we call dad there we never get an answer. We found out that the girl dad living with and him got into an arguement, and the girl family had pretty much fill the entire garage thing with their stuff and we are talking one of those extra large dumbster. They had their arguement because she didn’t want to let dad have his van on Sunday. On Sunday is his little newphew birthday, the baby grandchild. Well, our neighbor who apart of the family asked who owns the van title.
It seems this woman needs to stop taking advantage of dad… Even on the newspaper route she not helping enough which isn’t right.
They have taken almost all the funiture from the bottom floor of the house. Maybe they aught to look into some futures trading or something. I guess we will just have to pray nothing happens to dad, but it also at the same time seems like he on a self distruct mission.

Today I called my mom to let her know, I received the check she mailed me. She sent us some money for food, normally I will not ask her for help but I really needed help. My husband and I have ended up spending a lot of money on going down to mom and dad a lot, last week we went down, 2 times, and the week before that we went for a few days and stayed in a hotel.
Mom was asking when we would go to Oregon to see her. I told her it be cheaper to come this way where I have a extra room her and her hubby could us. There’d be no hotel cost, and we could easily pick her up from the airport with her hubby, or on the greyhound. It makes no sense that she thinks it be easier for my husband and I to go there then for her to come this way. Last time I went there to visit I stayed in a hotel, back then it was cheap but now it probably like most others out there. I don’t think it will be as expensive as Vegas vacations, but I do know we have the room here and she making right now more money then we are.
Don’t get me wrong I want to see her, but I just don’t see how we can afford to when my husband and I are expected to cover everything on his side of the family. My mom was asking about his sister, and I told mom exactly what I thought and I wasn’t nice about it either. I asked mom to guess how many times you think his sister went to visit mom? She replied 2 or three times. I said Yeah kind of more like only 2 times, you know how often we’ve been down. Mom said we where down there a lot, and she knew it. I told her every weekend except the 2 one for my ankle, and one for my husband care. I been feeling a little upset that every time mom and dad needed something it fell to my husband and I to make sure it was provided. We brought down meals, which I don’t mind doing I love cooking, and shoot I was happy to help. But it would have been nice if his sister would shut the heck up and be helpful.
I am annoyed with how horrible she treats dad and mom when she was a live. She called dad the other day yelling at him because he decided to give the house to someone else to rent. Someone he felt more reliable then her. Which I agree with dad, this young woman who a granddaughter to dad through adoption of their neighbors, will not play games with dad. She won’t expect not to have to pay because they are doing some work on the house which cost money. I don’t have a problem with him choosing this person over his daughter. Why don’t I have a problem, because his daughter, my husband sister has been kicked out of numerous places, and now she being kicked out of another place. Everytime she needed help mom and dad gave it, but it times she got some serious tough love. She will never learn unless she hits rock bottom, frankly her kids would be better off in foster care until she can get her life together. I know this is probably seen as cruel, and uncompassionate, shoot she just lost her mom, she probably loved her in our own way and is grieving which is why she so disrespectful to everyone. Well, she been like this since I have meet her, I was the peacemaker in the family and got my husband to give another chance to her, but how many chances do we give. I feel bad for her children, but there comes a time when the family needs to allow what to happen to happen and help the kids if they need it.
It annoys me, my mom has been more of a help to my husband during this time then his sister. My mom sent money to me and hubby for food. I don’t think his sister should have done that but she should have offered to help take some of the cost of the funeral which was incurred

On Friday we had my mom in law Funeral. It was a hard day. Over the past 2 years my husband and I have felt like we have carried a lot of the weight on our shoulders and haven’t been allowed to show any feelings or emontions. I was annoyed by a couple of things that happened at the funeral but I try to just ignore it. I found out mom had spoke about me often in a very pleasant way. This made me feel good about myself, and I never thought I made that much of a impact to be spoke about.
We met our nephew who was adopted for the first time, he was a sweet young man. I have reservation of the adoptive father and hope their isn’t any truth found it it. Towards the end of the funeral there was a doe watching us. I took that as a Sign from G-d that he had mom, and she was with him. I was stairing off more toward the corner field, and not the pastor even though I was watching him. The doe caught my attention she watched almost the whole time.
I was on my feet a lot longer then I should have been. My acher and ankle was bothering me a little bit. By the end of the night I was at a point of enough is enough, I stood all day and I aint having one more person tell me I am not doing enough for this family, or that my husband hasn’t. My ankle was hurting, I wonder which takes longer what I did or Plantar Fasciitis. I am betting on the later.
We were at one of our family member who lives next door. They are like family, they are a good family and by the end of the night I had snapped at one of them I had never met. I felt attacked and responded after she raised her voice and was snapping. I did the likes of the same. At the end we found out we were both just frustrated with the money aspect of it and feeling guilty on one part and me feeling angry that I was hearing what hubby and I were doing wasn’t good enough. It was building up and it just had to come up for both of us. I am glad her father, who like a son to mom and dad, was able to see what was going on even through his own grief. When we finally got down to everything and got it all out we all felt better and where laughing. On the way back over to their house I saw a frog jumping through the yard, don’t ask me how I managed to see him before stepping on him. I am glad I didn’t step on him. It reminded me of mom story of the frog she burried.

We just got a phone call from the Nursing home my husband mom was at. I am sad and grieved, but  I know here suffering has ended. She had a short battle with cancer, and this morning she passed away peacefully at around 1am. Even though we expect this would happen it is still hurts, she has been like a second mom to me, she was a true example of faith. She will be missed by all.

Shortly I will try to post some more about mom and some of my specail memories on either this blog or my faith based blog at Finally Messianic.

Okay, let me say this I am not a fan of Hospice this weekend has been a nightmare and frankly they need to learn what a good bed side manner is! I am very angry right now. Today I had to do everything in my power not to get angry and then show it towards the Hospice people. I had to leave the room to calm dad down.
They had asked for a family meeting at noon today, we did it, we encouraged dad to come because he needs to be involved in the process. They had asked if there are any concerns and dad said he had one. He had a problem with no one telling him that they had taken mom to the hospital. No one bother giving him any information, no note lift or nothing. He had brought up that when they came in they had criticized how the house looked, and the dog sometimes going potty on the floor. Okay it’s not good, but how hard is it to bend over and pick up the dog poop. But to make commits like their house is a pig pin and or that they can’t go to other people houses with out washing their clothes first is not okay. Mom has terminal cancer, dad is 86 years old and has a hard time walking around. He can’t be home 24/7 no one could handle that, yes mom needs someone there but it can’t just be on one person..
Dad was very angry that they had taken mom and no information was lift about anything, so when he came back she was gone.
I am not disagreeing with them feeling the need to remove mom out of the home, I think they did the right thing. Now the way they treated the family. I feel they really missed the mark. Mom is at Austin hospital here in Minnesota, this is a 2 hour drive for my husband and I. we ended up having to stay in a hotel, I don’t even want to think about how much school work I have lift to do. I know I gotta get it done but I am just drained. They were very harsh with dad, and I spoke up for him. I said he is a 86 year old man he can’t do it all on his own. I thought you guys were to have people who could come in to relieve him for a while during the day. They pretty much said, we are not here for him. I am concern with how they have treated my family in general.
Dad had gotten very upset and decided he would leave because he didn’t want them to have security remove him. I honestly do not think they would have. Dad has had some people blame him for mom cancer, and being in the hospital, mom wanted her dog to go to another family member, and Hospice was just really rude and not compassionate to him. I told Dad I would go with him, and walk him downstairs. Mom got upset to, and told dad Don’t you have a heart attack on me, so you die before me. That upset me because she was becoming upset, I told her, Mom don’t worry I will take care of dad and won’t leave him until he is okay. We got down stairs and out to the door area, and dad started losing it. He told me, he didn’t know what he was going to do. I told him it would be okay, and we’d get through it. I told him it wasn’t his fault, he did the best he could. I told him not to let people place the guilt on him, and that they were hurting and he was a easy person to blame. They just need someone to blame but it not his fault. I told him several times you did your best and that all anyone can ask of you.
It took a while, and I was at a lost as to help dad, shoot he been married over 55 years. I am 31 years old, and just been married for 2 years, how am I going to even be able to grasp how he feels. I told him he was important to Craig and I and we needed him still. He told me, they took everything from me first my wife and now my dog. Dad never had shown any real interest in the dog, we didn’t know, but when he told me they was taking everything away from him. I told him if he wanted the dog he could have her. Even before telling mom this, I just felt he needed the dog, because he will feel losing that dog is going to be like losing mom all over again. I do not want to see dad go through that. When I went back up I told mom, and she said I didn’t know and she felt bad and said he better have the dog. I told her not to worry about it, because I already told Dad the dog was his.
While talking to dad one of the helpers came up from the Hospital, and asked dad if he was okay and if we needed some grief counciling I said that I think it be good for dad but he keeps saying no. She spoke with him for a while and got him to agree. With me dad admit he needed help because he was lost and didn’t know what to do. We went back in to the hospital, and we found out their grief counselors are the hospice nurses. I said No, I will not have him speak again to hospice after they helped get him to this point. She said she tired to find someone who wasn’t in the meeting we lift. I told her it was not acceptable because they have no clue how to have a good bed side manner for the family members.
This family is hurting, yes we are all grieving in our own ways and some of us are at different places of our grief and angry. Dad is angry and sad, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how this is for him. She found out everyone that could help were the ones in the meeting. This was not doable for us. After what I saw in mom hospital room, why would I want to allow that? The lady finally suggested the hospital shrink, which is money out of our pockets. I told her that, and said the Hospice should not be the grief counselors because they are unable to listen with out judgment because they are there to care for mom well being and have clearly showed they don’t care about dad needs. How can you be impartial when your treating someone, it hard to keep your mouth shut when the person needs to vent their frustrations expecially when it something against your company or program.
Austin hospital, and any hospitals who have hospice playing two rules really should not do that, because when your feel attack your less likely to go or ask for help. What happened with dad, I told him when we got sick of the hospital options which would only upset him and then piss me off because I feel a strong need to be protective. I asked the lady for a piece of paper and told dad I was giving him my Grandma telephone number, and she would talk to him. Grandma several years ago lost her husband and I know she can understand dad plus she the same age group, same generation. We finally got a phone number from one of the nurses for grief support.
My husband and I have had just about the entire family leaning on us to be strong. I don’t mind his dad doing this to us, because he needs someone and has no one unless we are there. I love dad and shoot if he needed I’d give my heart to him. My husband and I were glad he called grandma right away, and lift her a message. I called her to let her know that dad would be calling her and I didn’t know what else to do to help him. Grandma spoke with dad, and talked to me about some of dads needs expecially with the dog. I will need to make sure dad keeps that little dog.
We had someone in the family tell me and my husband that one of us or dad should have to stay with mom until she dies, so that one of us are there because she scared. I got annoyed, with that person, I do not want dad or my husband having to watch her pass away in front of them. I told my husband if it gotta be one of us, I want it to be me. I feel a need to protect everyone around me. Most of the nurses and other staff workers saw this in me and told me if I needed help make sure we get it. I told her I would, but right now I have to make sure everyone else is okay. I will be fine.
Am I fine, as fine as I am going to be. I am very close to mom, not sure how she capture my heart the way she did, and it is hurting me deeply I can’t imagine how unbearable for my husband and dad and the rest of the family this must be.
Cancer is such a horrible thing, I really wish hospice wasn’t so horrible there because I really think dad could have used someone to talk to with training. My husband and I might have sought out help before we came home so we could unload a little bit, but we decided it wasn’t healthy idea. Why do I want to talk to hospice when we get to hear how it our fault our mom is going to die because we aren’t their enough. I know that not their exact word, but hell it feels like it. To be told your feelings are wrong is not okay, It not right, It’s our grief process and that okay!